I’m sitting here in my specialists waiting room once again and I’m flooded with emotions that take me back to where it all began. So let me rewind and explain…
In March 2015 I went to talk to my GP about how to fall pregnant naturally as we had started trying in the December with no luck. However during that appointment she received my results for my routine pap smear and the result was not good. I had abnormal cell growth…TMI … but you’ll have to get used to it if you’re on a fertility journey.
So my GP insisted I get a colposcopy and biopsy. Basically the gynaecologist looks at your cervix to see any abnormalities. They take a biopsy and get it tested to make sure they are not cancerous. See the link below for more detailed information about the procedure.
So she referred me to a gynaecologist and I booked the appointment and was seen within a week. This is technically where my IVF journey began… serendipitous because I sit here now October 2019 in the exact same position. Now there are many ways to see this situation and I chose to see it as the Universe reminding me to go back to start and share my IVF journey. I always planned to write this blog but kept getting side tracked. However this time I got the message loud and clear.
So the difference this time around was that I had been on the biggest transformation of my life since my first ever appointment. My TTC journey was not linear and I know now looking back that it was never meant to be. I was off course in my life without knowing it. I had I bigger purpose in this world and I was not pursuing it. The challenges I faced conceiving my boys was the perfect opportunity to strip back the layers of Tanja. It was raw, it was painful at times and also heart wrenching. However ‘the wound is where the light enters you’ and this couldn’t be more true for me.
Ok so going back to March 2015, I’m just casually chatting to this GYOBN about wanting to fall pregnant. He was asking me lots of questions and the last one was if we checked my husbands sperm. My answer was yes but we were waiting for results. He decided there and then that he’d organise his receptionist to follow up the results before we left. And he did just that. Waiting in the waiting room I was surrounded my pregnant women of all sizes and even a couple of newborn babies… it was hitting me hard just how much I yearned for a baby.
After a 15 minute wait we were called in and told that from the results we had severe male infertility and IVF was our only option and that we both needed genetic testing and other blood tests before we could know our chances of conceiving.
I was shocked, disheartened and even though I had 100 questions, I was totally silent. I left heavy and fragile.
I climbed into my car and just sobbed all the way home while my mind was racing. I felt like I was in a bad dream and that I needed to just wake up. But no, the reality of me falling pregnant naturally and easily was shattered. This is where I began to journal my feelings and still to this day use journalling as a way to release and off load my emotions and fears.
I knew nothing about IVF apart from the reality that I’d need to self inject big needles and it was going to be expensive. Both true. But no amount of money was going to ensure we could have a baby. Time would tell… and time was something I felt was slipping away.
I already felt older because I was about to turn 31 and now the news that IVF was months away was hard to accept. I just wanted to fast forward to transfer day but that was not to happen. Anyone out there struggling with the waiting, I understand completely.
So fast forward, we had all our tests done all came back normal with no issues. Because I have a regular cycle and no underlying health conditions, we could start the IVF process.
Well it was certainly a process that I was NOT expecting. Getting police checks (not the same as working with children police checks) This one is over $200 and a couple weeks wait. Then we had to go to a couple of information sessions (which covered the costs, rebates, forms, protocol, appointment bookings and injection information), a counselling session and nurse appointments.
The paper work was extensive and I felt like it all had to lead to a baby in the end, so just be organised, get it done ASAP so I can start my IVF cycle. Until every little bit of paper work and every appointment was signed off we couldn’t start stims. Stims is code for stimulating drugs.
So it took 4 months from the time we found out we had to do IVF to starting my injections.
In retrospect it really wasn’t that long to wait considering how much preparation there was within that time, but time feels like it's standing still when TTC.
If you're reading this and you're preparing or deciding whether to do IVF or are trying another cycle, just know that a big part of this journey is how you cope with the unknown. Creating daily rituals that support you are really helpful and can certainly get you through the day, week, appointment or procedure. Ive shared my rituals in a recent Newsletter and will create a blog post about it soon, however if you'd like a copy NOW, email me and I'll send it to you direct.
Part 2 will be where I share my IVF cycle, Egg Collection and the Two Week Wait, plus something really unexpected that occurred during my 2WW that will blow your MIND!
Photo by Jessica Soakes
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